Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me "This dog tells me you're on drugs." I said "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs

   fake hair color, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man!!!

   They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

   I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regluar butter...now I dont know what to believe.

   Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do

   just had the worse sex of my life..... opps I forgot you were on my friends list.

   give us back Heath Ledger in replacement for the whole cast of the Twilight Series and Justin Beiber.... Fair trade?

   You don't know heartbreak until you see the waiter coming to your table with food but then take a sharp turn to a different table.

   I guarantee there's a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks 'Ebola' would be a lovely name for their child.

   Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in

   I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection.

   If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack.

   Thank you: 'hard taco shells', for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking at the moment I put something inside you.

   Nipples: Nature's thermometer.

   Dear Face Book you keep offering up people for me to friend, but then you get all  concerned and ask me how I know them.  You can't be the pimp and the cop!

   Google+ is quickly becoming the "gym membership" of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

   Just heard a weird noise from the other room, but refuse to call out “Is anyone there?” I've seen the movies...those people always die!

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide I have ever heard.

   16 and Pregnant? How come I didn't get my own show when I was 16? "16 and smart enough to use a rubber."

   I like to go up to my wifes twin sister and say "i know what you look like naked"