Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so annoying when someone keeps talking after you've interrupt them.

   Don't be mad because we bumped shoulders when passing. You didn't move either.

   Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

   Im starting to believe that PMS stands for - penis must suffer :(

   , I asked my husband: "Do you want dinner?" My husband said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."

   wonders if Lil' Wayne will hear "lick it like a lollipop, son" now that he's in jail.

   My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.

   making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions

   this a political message board or a status site ?

   I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.

   If cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?

   Why is that girls in tamp0n commercials dance and laugh? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burn!ng sh!t down?

   Cops: “Please step out of the car” Me: “I can't. I'm drunk. You get in.

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. “I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide.”

   I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

   Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there.

   I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.

   I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.

   Most common lie used by women.... "I dont usually do this the first night"

   I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand.