Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're ignorant and make bad decisions.

   I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.

   TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...

   The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.

   Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."

   Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with annoying parents.

   20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area

   My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.

   American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.

   Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?

   thinks it's funny that "LOL" has gone from meaning "Laugh Out Loud" to "I have Nothing Else To Say"

   Wishes he was a white crayon, so no one would use me...

   Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...

   On relationship status they should have "is getting played by_____________"

   Im a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you....

   That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"

   Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

   You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...

   My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,