Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea's TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...

   I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

   Go home North Korea, you're drunk!

   I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them.

   I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together again......in a much better place!!!

   May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.

   i hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan...

   Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.

   I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.

   Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 

   If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead...

   Motivation= get on treadmill naked in front of mirror

   So the government spies on us all the time and its no big deal, but someone hacks in and steals celebretards nudies and its a national emergency? SMH