Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An old man sent his wife out whoring to make money and she only came back with $7.05. He said, "'who's the cheap SOB who gave you the nickel"? She said, "they all did"...

   If I'm ever attacked by a gang of clowns, don't worry about me, cause I'll imediately "go for the juggler."

   One of these days I'm going to show up at this WHO CARES hole-in-the-wall you just "checked in" on 4square & slap your phone out of your hand.

   FACT: Every woman got a girlfriend that they don't trust around their man.

   Sexist jokes are wrong and people need to stop post...... Sorry, that was my girlfriend, I left my laptop in the kitchen again.

   My wife asked me if she could get a boob job today. I told her to take some toilette paper, rub it in between her boobs once or twice a day for a couple months. She asked me why, I said, “It worked on your butt, didn't it?”

   How many people have gone to bed so angry with someone you've pretended to have a nightmare , just so you can roll over and punch them in the head??

   just read an article about a man who had beaten his wife with a saucepan in the kitchen ..... it's a damn sick world we live in. ....... What the hell was he doing in the kitchen

   gonna go to church to confess my sins but I drank so much last night I can't remember them.

   You don't know how strong you are until you have no other option.

   The condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of my job for a week every month!"The tampon replies, "yeah? And when you don't do your damn job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!!"

   I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee...so I pulled over and fertilized your crops.

   Nice guys finish last, because they make sure their girl come first.

   You know, it wasn't always called bipolar. It once was called "being a b!tch"

   Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

   I love finding money in my clothes…..its like a gift from me.. to me. 

   I never let my children watch band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins.

   Sorry I shot you in the face with a tampon. In my defense, you were acting like a giant v*gina.

   "just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. "

   Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing. Then I can continue killing you with beer.