Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I could slow down real life , like the fights scenes on a fighting movie . I would punch people more often .

   She was gone as fast as rum cake at an AA meeting!

   I wanna buy dolphins and dress 'em in suits so that I can tell my accountant I bought 'em for business porpoises... and we would laugh and laugh.

   If they ever invent a sensor for behind-your-back eye-rolls, I am so screwed.

   all restaurants are drive-thru if you drive hard enough

   If I were invisible the first thing I would do would be to beat the crap out of a mime. The people would love it!

   I have been misled. Life is not a box of Chocolates. It's a tin of mixed nuts at best.

   You may call it "alcohol abuse" but I've never heard the alcohol complaining.

   A lot of people constantly complain about Monday's, Tuesday's and Wednesday's being the worst part of the week, I have discovered that with the right mix of Jack Daniels and sleeping pills those days no longer have to happen.

   OCCUPATION: Bullsh*t Recognition Specialist.

   Okay, I've had it with real life, give me my fairy godmother, my prince, and my happily ever after endings.

   Beware of people who tell you to "get a life". They may want the one you already have.

   Before Snoop Dogg had his "foshizzle", Willy Wonka had his "Scrumdiddlyumptious" bar!

   It took civilization thousands of years to get us off the farm, and Facebook just one year to send people back.

   Did you know? When you say 'beer can" in a British accent you're also saying "bacon" in a jamaican accent.

   Next halloween I'm gonna dress as a shrub and randomly sit in peoples front yards

   Sarcasm is a dish best served instantly.

   always beats Edward Scissorhands in rock-paper-scissors.

   Go Go Gadget status!

   Acting as if today is Saturday. Going to work unshaved, no shower, in shorts and a T, full cooler of beer as my brief case, and the attitude of "don't bother me, it's Saturday".