Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Health plans are like hospital gowns…You only think you're covered.

   ___________________/\_____________\0/_______'' Help Shark''

   in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.

   Answered the door today and a giant grasshopper spit in my face and kicked me hard in the shin , I phoned my doctor and he said not to worry , there was a really nasty bug going around

   I left my cross-eyed girlfriend today. The b*tch was seeing someone else.

   I quess Kate Steinle didn't look enough like Obama's daughters for him to give a damn about her.

   above the influence.

   Hey republican..ssshhhh....you had me at "common sense"

   Dear lord thankyou for these noodles i'm about to eat, ramen

   Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.

   wonders if it's ironic that I have facebook open in another tab.....you do to dont you

   I'd also like to learn how to spell GIANT one of these days

   When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

   Don't worry NBA players, Kim Kardashian will let you slam balls in her hole!

   OK. So we tortured a bunch of terrorists. Big Whoop. How many of us have they killed?

   .... Naw ... Blinded by the light ... Revved up like a deuce ..... Another runner in the night .... Yup, Bet that cuts the odds a bit.

   Some people seem to read the Bible a lot as they get older. Maybe they think they're cramming for their finals.

   Barack Obama will now use this convenient news of killing of Osama Bin Laden as his biggest selling point to the voters for the 2012 Presidential Election. "Under my watch, we took down Bin Laden..."

   ooh lookie my mood ring is a beautiful shade of I dont give a crap

   Some people sing to plants to help them grow. That's one reason I scream at the top of my lungs the entire time I mow.