Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found the perfect stocking stuffer. Someone threw away a perfectly good prosthetic leg in the dumpster.

   Doesn't North Korea understand that these grand threats will result in a harsh musical rebuke from Toby Keith?

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. I'm not even sure where sandwiches live.

   Arguing with a person who has rejected the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.

   The Postal Service should have Lance Armstrong deliver Saturdays mail for free....

   Barely 24 hours left to be nice, then its naughty naughties all over again

   anyone else worried that if Wikipedia goes black, it'll never go back?

   I started an Alcohol Free Diet today. So if its Free, I drink it.

   Today I am the C.E.O of the "I Don't Give A Sh*t" Committee........ We Are Hiring

   Thanks to all the legal and medical dramas I've watched, I'm pretty sure I'm capable of winning court cases and saving lives.

   I'm not sure I understand What The Hell you're talking about....But.....you're showing cleavage, so I will listen.

   I overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Facebook than to her, or at least that's what I think she said to me.

   If it's true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

   Here is a big shout out for slugs, those little guys are out there doing the same stuff as snails but without helmets...

   Dear Google, I successfully received the 5 notifications, 18 emails, and 6 popups about your changed privacy policy. Please send more.

   I can't remember the last time I heard a dial tone.

   What kind of wine goes best with laundry?

   After the first of the year, my healthcare plan will be a Band-Aid and a prayer.

   This is normally when Tony Romo is visited by 3 ghosts. The ghost of December Failures past, present and future.

   OMG I met the perfect guy! Maybe I can fix him. - Women.