Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LIFE IS SHORT... PLAY NAKED

   I've started a new exercise regime. Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do one sit-up.

   Why do the guys at Footlocker get so mad when they can't force you to buy socks or extra shoe cleaner.

   Happy 267th birthday, Thomas Jefferson

   Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

   My first laptop was an Etch-A-Sketch.

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies...

   Please, write your comments down on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

   Dear Oprah, thanks for clarifying you're not a lesbian. We were all wondering...

   Just found a document that says all of our restrictions have been lifted! It’s pretty old though, it’s dated 1776.

   Maybe when the stuff was going down at the Capitol on Wednesday, the Government should have sent in Social Workers instead of the police.

   People are being paid to protest Trump's election .... Heck .... He's not even President yet and he's already creating Jobs!!!!

   How come Sanctuary cities have the fastest growing crime rates?

   All I am saying is if Donald Trump was really a friend of the Gay people, one of them would have fixed his wig and makeup by now.

   B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.

   The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.

   Being offended is a personal decision that you can choose not to make. The ones who are offended by things are attention-seeking drama queens.

   I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week...

   They say alcohol kills people. Lets not forget how many people were born because of it.

   At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.