Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Makeup, soda, sandwich, texting, talking, then I realized she was driving the car in front of me, in traffic.

   Gentleman...... Start Your Livers!!!!

   Hell hath no fury like a woman slightly inconvenienced.

   Everyone was touching and kissing the trophy. I was just waiting for someone to hump the damn thing.

   That moment of epic sadness when you shut down the computer and then you realize that you need it again.

   If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

   I hate it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it

   I saw a squirrel eating a dead squirrel on the way home. So, the bath salt/zombie crisis has now reached the animal kingdom...

   Facts do something the media never does...tell the truth.

   I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.

   I'm the black sheep of my family, or as I like to say, I'm not the boring one.

   My hair has the 'I just did it' look going on. My hair is a liar.

   If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn't make me excited, pull the plug.

   When is decency going to be cool again?

   Note to self: When picking your nose in the car... watch out for speed bumps.

   If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking.

   It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years.

   Everyone I know is either pregnant or married and it makes me wish...I could find a decent drinking buddy to replace all you sellouts

   Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

   So the government gave the order for Verizon to hand over phone records so we can help them track (cough-cough) "terrorists".........yeah ok.