Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts."

   Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right!

   Travel Tip: When passing through a bad part of town, and the locals ask what hood you represent, it's probably not a good idea to yell out "FARMVILLE BIIAAATCH," and then start "crop" walkin' to your car.

   Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.

   I assume most animals are in the zoo for some pretty serious crimes.

   He stopped loving her today. RIP George Jones

   I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologise to the man at the next urinal.

   Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that you can effectively work as part of a team.

   if it stays dark for too long, Ray Lewis might stab someone

   I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.

   Nothing says Responsibility like a woman taking her birth control pill with a shot of Tequila.

   The day my kids will lose their innocence is when they figure out there is no such thing as a 3 piece chicken nugget happy meal

   Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!

   ■Girls wait for the perfect guy: Disney's fault. Guys wait for the perfect girl: Playboy's fault.

   Did I un-jam the copier? Yes. Does that make me a hero? Not for me to say. But probably.

   Took my hubby to the ER last night with one of those four hour erections. All the doctor did was high five him!

   Funny Conundrum: Most single people wana be in a relationship, and most people in a relationship wana be single.

   I am actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.

   Just found out a human kidney is worth up to 100,000 dollars. On an unrelated side note, party with free alcohol at my house this weekend.