Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute

   Charlie Sheen snorted enough coke to kill Two and a Half Men.

   Respect your elders. They made it through High School without Google or Wikipedia.

   When a man orders salad and wine at dinner, I order a huge steak and a beer, because someone has to show him how not to be a pu$$y.

   Learned a lesson from my dog tonight.................No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.

   If I had 10 nutter butter cookies and you took 5 away, what would you have...That's right, a black eye an a broke hand!

   Rosie O'Donnell just won the Green Award for Conservation. It only takes two tablespoons of water to fill her bathtub.

   Apple is coming out with a 60 inch flat screen, and now I have to explain to my son why community college is good enough.

   Without women, life would be a pain in the ass. If you don't get this, you're too young to be on Facebook.

   How in the hell do Chinese people see when they're high?

   If a man says you're ugly he's being mean. If a woman says you're ugly she's envious. If a little kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.

   If I was in that Malaysian airplane my wife would find it in 10 minutes..

   How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?

   TO DO LIST: 1:Buy a flat screen TV. 2:Hang it on the wall. 3:Watch 'The Ring' & see that b!tch fall when she crawls out from my TV.

   Three words that can really really  crush a mans pride. "Is it in"?

   SWAG is for BOYS and CLASS is for MEN.

   Just saw an article on yahoo that said "Little unknown facts about the Royal Wedding". I have a little unknown fact for you yahoo, no one gives a shit about the Royal Wedding.

   1300 should actually be like 1250 since about 50 of these pages are nothing but reposts.

   R.I.P Ryan Dunn you will forever be remembered, as the guy who stuck a hot wheels up his ass on jackass

   I ate so much candy corn yesterday, I just pooped a candle