Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

   Multiply that by infinity & take it 2 the depths of forever & then you will have some vague idea what I'm talkin about...

   Today, I went to the movies. When I got out, I saw that someone hit my car but were nice enough to leave a note. It said, "Ouch - that's going to cost you some money." They signed it with a happy face sticking out its tongue

   The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won't do as she is told.

   An autopsy report reviled that marijuana was found in Trayvon's blood system... Now I'm really pissed!  Zimmerman making Travon smoke weed before shooting him? That's just wrong!

   I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f$$ing hit it.

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in between them, Because theres no place like home.

   Watch, Lady Gaga's going to buy Osama Bin Ladens body & wear it to next years Grammys.

   No trees were harmed in the posting of this Facebook status, but several million electrons were mildly inconvenienced.

   It's called FACEBOOK, not OPENBOOK. You can keep somethings to yourself.....

   I have a step ladder never knew my real ladder

   Bartender says "we don't serve time travelers here".... Two time travelers walk into a bar.

   Bye, bye, Miss Canadian Pie,,,Drove my Ski-Doo, To the igloo.................................................. *This idea was stupid,, Sorry*

   Taco Bell should have pink tacos for breast cancer awareness month. Who doesn't like eating pink tacos?

   Men think of sex every seven seconds..thats why I eat a corndog in six seconds... so things dont get weird

   : Awesome story dude.... Which chapter do you shut the f**k up?

   No Ma'am. I did NOT say your child is ugly. All I said was that I would fear for my life if he were ever to get wet… or eat after midnight. I'm sure you won't have to worry about pedophiles either.

   I made sushi for my dinner today. I was missing some ingrediants though, so I substituted the fish with ham, the wasabi with mustard and the rice with two slices of bread. Yum! Good sushi!

   Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

   Funny how Facebook has turned druggies, hoes, and fakes into motivational speakers...