Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to live on a deserted island. Not because it's tropical, but because I hate people.

   How are you feeling today? Like a tampon. In a good place... At the wrong time.

   Those girls on the balance beam learn early on that 4 inches isn't much to work with.

   I'm an expert in smartassology.

   The paypal card reader is now available. So now people who sell weed and other illegal substances can now accept all major credit cards.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me.

   The Camouflage Snuggie: the ideal gift for the military afficionado in your life who aspires to blend in with a couch.

   Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.

   Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem

   Happy run out and spend money you don't have on things you wouldn't otherwise buy to prove you love someone who if they need things bought for them to prove you love them probably shows they don't truly love you anyway day!

   If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

   It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.

   If you cant dazzle them with your brillance, baffle them with your bull sh!t

   a little less conversation, a little more action please!!

   trying to give me the finger is like giving a spider the web. I'm just gonna spin it and use it to my advantage =)

   Men: You can't live with them, but you can't have heterosexual sex without them. DAMN!!

   What? That's not what "do the robot" means? It's a dance? Oh god. I am SO sorry about your robot.

   The Old Lie: "The check is in the mail." The New Lie: "I haven't checked my email."

   Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

   just admitted himself into the hokey pokey institute...I figure it a way to turn my life around.