Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.

   How can the largest group seeking tolerance be the most intolerant.............?

   You know you are in the ‘hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”

   I can't believe so many "singles in your area are dying to meet" me. It's probably all of the I-pads I've won.

   Always pick the girl smoking ultra-light cigarettes... it means she's used to sucking a little harder to get what she wants.

   Banana peel. Coffee grains. Pizza crust. Beer bottles. Empty cans. Paper plates. Bill envelopes. Don't mind me everyone. I'm just talking trash...

   You looked good until your 30 day trial of Adobe Photoshop expired

   When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper "I know guys I miss you too" then put them back quietly.

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes...

   ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Osama Bin Ladden ✔ Moammar Gadhafi ✔Kim Jong IL ❒ Fidel Castro ❒ Hugo Chavez - Not a good year for my Fantasy Dictator League...

   Spongebob is Definetly Asian! he's Yellow! he knows Karate and he cant drive.

   Today, my mother commented "loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes.

   Sometimes, we waste too much time to think about someone who doesn't even think about us for a second.

   Twilight did to vampires what Brokeback Mountain did to cowboys.

   I tripped over a bra last night, do you think it was a boobie trap?

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them.

   I really hate it when someone calls my PHONE and says who is this, this is my phone, who are you?

   To the gal who posted that guys are "creepy" on facebook, dont flatter yourself. You're not all that.

   went to a shrink today. she says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other b*tch!

   On a scale of 1 to Rihanna, how big is your forehead?