Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hates being asked if I've had any "past experience." Is there any other kind?

   Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.

   I don't need a relationship. What I need...is a friendship that will make it easy to lead into one.

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I want is people making eye contact with me.

   True love cannot be found until you can find a mutual comfort level in the thermostat of your home.

   Hey people still doing fireworks. My dog hates you.

   If you reach your hand into a woman's purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you're looking for.

   I think it's funny how women that love expensive things give themselves away for next to nothing.

   If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

   Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another cat.

   I have horrible gaydar. When I saw a couple of guys making out, I thought they were just excited for the start of the NFL season.

   This just enforces the belief that people with mullets should not be raising children.

   My boss wants me to keep my headphones volume low enough to hear my work phone ring AND stay awake at my desk like some kind of wizard.

   If "Bieber fever" is when a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio and you start throwing up and stabbing yourself in he ear, then yes I have had Bieber fever before.

   Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his "carpenter" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds.

   I often ask myself "What's wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can't drink at work"

   You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”

   $19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

   Sometime's I put lipstick on my own collar Just so I can get the silent treatment

   I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.