Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm fairly sure "PIMPIN LIKE BUBBA GUMP GOES SHRIMPIN" is the worst text I've ever sent.

   Going to dress up as Maury Povich and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.

   If Juston Beiber is the AMA Artist of the year then I am the next Victoria Secret cover model.

   I played a blank tape at full blast last night. the mime next door went freaking nuts.

   hates doing laundry and wishes her clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves

   nothing last forever, so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the bullsh*ts, take chances, never have regrets because at one point everything you did was exactly what you wanted 2 do!!

   wonders why everyone on facebook looks like they had a stroke I mean seriously that facial expression is stupid, and holding up the peace sign doesnt make you look any smarter.

   Wife: I wish I was newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day. Husband:I too wish that you were newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday.

   Why limit happy to just an hour?

   Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day!! <HATE

   If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.

   If you're flirting with a women and she asks "Are you coming onto me?" whisper in her ear "I never pull out."

   It's so rude when people talk at the movies while you're on the phone!

   People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with “lol” should be damn shot.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time

   Don't you think it's time we start referring to flat screen TVs, simply as TVs?

   "Women are such mysterious creatures. Beautiful unsolvable mysteries. Like them big alien crop circles........... but with nipples"

   I call one of my coworkers "Adobe Updater" because she tries to be helpful, but she's really just annoying.

   If you're a thug driving a luxury SUV fully customized, don't be surprised when I question the legitimacy of your income.

   The Mayan Calendar says the world will end on Dec 21, 2012, which really means a lot of babies will be born on Sept 21, 2013.