Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what idiot named it erectile dysfunction instead of ballzheimer's

   accidently cut in front of a dwarf today who told me he was NOT happy. I said, "which one are you then?"

   Work like you don't have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at

   mixd whiskey with water and got drunk... mixed brandy with water and got drunk... I mixed scotch with water and got drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...

   Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

   I'd kill for the kind of confidence that every 350 pound black w oman has.

   People still shooting off fireworks better be careful that they don't hit any of the Christmas decorations they never took down.

   If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

   I called 411 and asked the operator ''I'd like the number for Melissa Fontana in Silver Spring, Md. ''There are multiple listings for Melissa Fontana, Do you have a street name?'' I hesitated ''Well, uh some people call me Snake!''

   I think its unfair that men and women are not treated equally...It just seems wrong that women can show a lil boobie and get out of a speeding ticket but when I show a lil ball I get arrested...It just aint right

   gas prices are so high in California I saw 12 Mexicans on one skateboard…

   Cashier: "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" Me: "That's why I'm shopping, moron."

   How do you know Asians robbed your house? Your cat's gone, your homework's done, and they're still backing out of the driveway.

   If I'm ever in an accident while driving and updating my status and you're the first person to arrive on the scene, grab my phone and press "Post."

   How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

   When my sons says, "I`ve cleaned my room," that usually means "I`ve made a path from the door to my bed."

   I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

   If there's one thing that I've learned it's, that I should have learned way more than one thing.

   If the scientists REALLY want to know how the dinosaurs died, they can just ask the guy driving in front of me.

   You know your childhood is over when you fall asleep on the couch and wake up on the couch.