Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of major financial crisis?

   ME: "I wasn't that drunk!" MY FRIEND: “Dude, you asked your girlfriend if she was single.”

   Hand Sanitizer... the best way to find invisible cuts for over 10 years now!

   If you see a profile pic with 1 fat girl and 1 pretty girl and can't figure out who's profile it is, make no mistakes… it's the fat one's.

   When you get home this evening, surprise your family by kicking the door in.

   1992: Girls got undressed for their husbands. 1995: Girls got undressed for money. 2012: Girls get undressed for likes on Facebook and Instagram

   I like how on cop cars, "To protect and serve" is in quotes, like they're being sarcastic.

   Our business says Merry Christmas!

   How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?

   One Day I hope I can afford an iphone like that girl in line infront of me with the food stamps!!!

   I'm living proof that you should never give up hope. You may find this hard to believe, given my current level of sheer awesomeness, but I was once a pathetic loser like you. Be strong.

   Here's hoping Justin Beiber's balls drop along with the New Year's one.

   Life's a b!tch, because if it were a slut, it'd be easy.

   "mmhmm" is equal to "yea yea I still dnt believe ur ass" .......

   you know its sad when your mother is on facebook and guys younger than you are poking her.

   My d*ck was in the Guinness Book of World Records but then the librarian told me to take it out

   For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

   A slut is simply a woman with the morals of a man.

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts, it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone.

   out dealin w/ things way beyond his maturity level...