Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL. Anyways, the baby's ok.

   We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!

   If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on

   New Yorkers could probably bail that water out a lot faster if they weren't limited to using 16 oz cups,,,, huh Bloomberg??

   My favorite Black Friday tradition is watching the day's Walmart tramplings on the evening news.

   I'm tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ's sake people, don't you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!

   If you don't want me to sing at your kids then don't name them Roxanne.

   Privilege is wearing $200 sneakers when you've never had a job.

   going to get a tattoo that says "Live Without Regrets", and have it spelled wrong.

   You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.

   Dear BP, ....Lower your gas prices a good amount and we'll call it even.

   Me and my girlfriend are having a communication problem. Every time I ring, her husband answers the phone.

   haha Strap-On spelt backwards is no parts

   The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

   I've just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank support. Will they just put the money in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

   I think facebook must put an option that requires a person to get permission first before tagging anyone in pics and notes..

   So if you don't know the local language and need to find a restroom. The universal sign is to act like your holding your penis and making a hissing sound. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Every day I am forced to add another name to the list of people who piss me off.

   If you really need to set aside one day a year to show your "love" then obviously that person doesn't mean much to you

   Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day."