Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
life is too ironic to understand. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, Noise to appreciate silence, and absence to value presence. 
I once had a life … then some idiot came and told me to make a Facebook!
All Lives including Blue Lives Matter
The local car wash had a special "Brazilian Wax", now my car's carpet is gone....
Facebook went down on millions of users and all I can say is, You Whore!
Well another gold for Canada in hockey. Gotta love it! You americans played a good game but this was our night. But you americans don't need to feel bad, one of your teams will probily be bringing home the Stanley Cup, so it kinda evens out.
-- If pubs don't serve really drunk people why do Mcdonalds serve really fat people?
believes in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it
The sexual position, more commonly known as 69 will now be known as 96. Due to the economy, it now costs more to eat out than it use to.
Might get my balls botoxed today.
When I was a little girl, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.
A lonely man put an ad in the paper saying "wife wanted" The next day, he checked he had 40 messages, all of them saying "You can have mine!"
On the bus today I was sitting across from a really beautiful girl and I kept thinking to myself, "..please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection" ......................... but she did
If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for sexual favor.
My son told me all females have nice butts in yoga pants, so I took him to Walmart so he could see the error of his thoughts
I wear a lot of axe. But I live in a primarily black neighborhood so around here it's called Ask.
i'm such a fabulous cook, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on!
..i had lunch with a chess player today. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her $hit.
Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "why the long face?" 