Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   cant have an openly religious football player in the NFL, that would be bad. it needs more accused murderers, rapists and morons who shoot themselves in the leg.

   I don't have mistletoe this year, so we'll just have to kiss under the influence.

   I hope the new Superman movie is just two hours of Clark Kent frantically searching for a phone booth.

   Some people and their damn event invites, they're like the Jehovah Witnesses of Facebook!

   I've created my own cookbook by binding all the food delivery flyers together.

   Life is all about ass. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it or trying to get a piece of it.

   Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

   Ever show someone how to do something and then instantly regret that you ever did?

   The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.

   I ignored your Facebook Friend Request only because there isn't a ''Oh Hell No!'' Button!!!

   I can tell by the way you give me instructions that you've dealt with a lot of dumb people before me.

   Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes.

   What!? High schools with daycare centers!!....Now see what you did MTV by having that 16 & Pregnant mess! I hope you're happy.

   I grew up in a tough neighborhood. Frequently, the green berets would pick on me. People call them Girl Scouts, but whatever...

   Does anyone really believe this thing with the Mayan calendar? If you do it's OK but if you don't, it's not the end of the world.

   That hilarious moment when someone tries to make you jealous, when you honestly don't give a fuck.

   Heck with the 7 Dwarfs, I have: "Not me"; "Don't know"; "Wasn't Home"; "Not Mine"; "Didn't use it last"; "Haven't Seen it" & "I'm Not Doing It!" living with me

   If you're in line, and the person in front of you doesn't notice the line moving, how soon can you shove them before it's considered rude?

   I can't believe our parents used to have to sit & wait for someone to develop their film before they could show off pictures of their food.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back knocking on your door with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.