Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope I never die in a bar cause if someone calls a priest, a rabbi or a minister my life is gonna end up as one big joke.

   Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly pass gas without anyone knowing.

   Why is the literature with my ADD meds so long?? Don't they know I have ADD??

   Walmart employees suck at pairing wine coolers and cheese...

   I love myself, I'm just not "post pictures of myself everyday on Facebook" love myself.

   Conversations that start with "Don't get mad" seldom end that way.

   You know you're lazy when you have a one bedroom apartment and still want to hire a cleaning lady.

   We should cease calling them ski masks, because really only robbers wear them.

   Dear life, is this waking up in the morning thing really necessary?

   If someone tells you their horoscope says they're going to have a good day, it's your duty as a human being to punch them in the throat and prove them wrong.

   Maybe....just maybe if we wait a little longer, a fú¢k fell in my hand, I can give it to you.

   95% of lifes conversations boil down to "If you pretend to care about what I'm saying, I'll pretend to care about what you're saying."

   You can stay, but your clothes must go.

   As long as it comes with great packaging, there's nothing wrong with inner beauty.

   You'd think the liquor store cashier could at least PRETEND not to recognize me.

   Ladies, clear plastic bra straps make some of you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.

   Boy it's nice out today... our at least that's what it says on my computer.

   I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.

   Woah there treadmill,,, I can't scroll posts, or reach the Burrito in the cupholder next to the ashtray at that speed.

   I'm starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.