Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hi welcome to Hollister, Would you like a flashlight?

   Some people make me understand why monkeys throw their poo.

   How to Stop Cyber Bullying: 1. Close your laptop 2. You Win!!

   There is nothing better than waking up to morning sex, unless you wake up in prison.

   That annoying moment when two people start a conversation on YOUR Facebook status.

   According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!

   If your day ends in pizza, you have nothing to complain about :D

   Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One.

   If a girl gets a free drink, it doesn't mean she'll be interested, it'll only mean "YAAY FREE DRINK!!"

   Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.

   For Sale: New Nunchucks. Will consider trading for a bag of ice and a new set of marbles.

   How come the week always lasts longer than the money you have?

   I am not defined by my past. I am prepared by it.

   does this "no fly zone" mean I can't use the trip to Libya I purchased from my Nigerian lottery winnings?

   The only reason I would want to see Donald Trump elected as president is so we could see what his hair does when he gets off of that big helicopter...

   pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.

   i love it when I get tailgated on a bumpy road and the driver behind me has no time to avoid the really big pothole that takes away his body kit.

   I think I'd probably just pay for a Klondike bar.

   People who don't know what they want should not use the drive thru!

   There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money.