Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A friend of mine once commented that huamns are the only species to go out of our way to obtain milk after we've been weaned, I replied that we were the only species with cookies.

   Right now, my bracket is like a drunken one-night stand: sloppy but still doable....

   Bought a CD of ice cream van music.Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.”

   running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.

   If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.

   People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   Helmet strapped down, crayons sharpened, it's going to be a great day!

   Was in hospital waiting room and had sat on a newspaper that was on the chair. This guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" Didn't really know how to respond... So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again...

   Alright, who left the bag of idiots open..

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets

   You know shes a stalker . . . . or a serial killer, if you wake up at 3 'o clock in the morning and shes staring at you. . . in the dark. . . . .and says. . . "You know that I love you right?"

   Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.

   A prostitute just told me she would do anything for $10... guess who just got their car washed!

   The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away

   California leads the nation in Marijuana production and Bigfoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not.

   Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.

   Hey skinny guy having a Greek yogurt and Vitamin Water for lunch. I'd come punch you in the face but I don't want my fries to get cold

   I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.

   Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.

   Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.