Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license...

   Don't break anyone's heart , they have only one.... Break their bones , they have 206 of them

   When you're a fast texter, two minutes is a long time to wait for a reply....

   It is a universal truth that everything you do is at least 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake anyone up.

   everybody always says, "say no to drugs," but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

   Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you

   just got my Xmas wishlist back from Santa with a little note attached... It said "LMAO! HELL NO!!!!

   When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos??"

   Pabst got its blue ribbon in 1893 for being voted best beer. Further proving that life in 1893 sucked pretty damn hard.

   Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off.

   Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.

   Why do they always staff the slowest cashier at the express lanes at Walmart?

   ‎9 times more people are killed by falling coconuts than by sharks. I CANNOT WAIT for Coconut Week!

   A fake smile on your friend's face is more evil than a sword in your enemy's hand.

   You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.

   It's so annoying when someone keeps talking after you've interrupt them.

   Don't be mad because we bumped shoulders when passing. You didn't move either.

   It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.

   Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

   Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.