Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Vegans, plywood contains animal products. You're surrounded. Sleep tight.

   Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a sub, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm,,, plus I am inside a lion.

   I hate Facebook in times of disasters, Everyone shares thoughts and prayers and pretty candle photos but nobody means it and nobody gets off their fat a$$es to do anything to help.

   It's just ADORABLE how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won't be back tomorrow.

   Make sure you have at least one friend who invents words. It could be me, or it could be another wordventor,,, It doesn't matter.

   Remember, Mondays are fine. It's your life that sucks.

   If there's left overs... You can't cook.

   There are no stupid questions, But I have met a ton of inquisitive idiots.

   Hey I found your nose. It was in my business again.

   OMG When you've stalked someone's Facebook or Twitter, (1 million times), then you start talking to them, HOW HARD is it to NOT mention things you've learned from stalking!!!

   The economy is so bad, a truckload of Polish immigrants was caught sneaking out of the UK .

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack pepper spray and a tazer.. :)

   This week's weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.

   Pimpin' actually is pretty easy and I'm getting tired of everyone saying otherwise.

   My dad's ability to drive with one hand while reaching back and smacking the right child, somehow always impressed me... Happy father's day dad!

   From time to time, I like to remind my daughter's boyfriend of the very real danger of falling I'll from a sudden, gunshot related illness.

   ur honor, I call GOD as my witness... *jury gasps*... *nothing happens*...*slowly, a man with a beard rises from the stands*... Dammit No Gary,,, sit down

   In light of the latest Abercrombie and Fitch scandal, I bought three A&F shirts today, its okay though, I was one of the popular kids in school.

   You know your marriage is on the rocks when your wife goes to bed wearing a rape whistle.

   Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not.