Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does the Food Network deliver?

   An elementary school in California is being named after Michelle Obama. It's obvious that the school's mascot will be Chewbacca.

   My semen glows in the dark. Should come in handy if I'm ever horny and also lost in a cave.

   All I really want is for my self destruction to be televised during "Prime Time".

   I was an atheist until I realized I was a sex god

   So if tomorrow is the first day of summer, that means tonight is SUMMERS EVE right? Let me know if I am being a douche...

   one male, one female, one ex trying to mess it up and one friend secretly hoping it ends.

   Damn. RIP Tony Soprano. *shuts screen off*

   if a drug commercial spends 15 seconds on the drug and 45 seconds on the side effects, I'd avoid that one...

   Nobody talks to the hand any more.

   He shall return as (James) Gandolfini the White.

   I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot

   I believe if a tree and a woman fall in the woods....the woman still makes the noise!!

   Instagram has added video support. Now I get to watch a video of people eating their food!!!

   Loosing a wife can be difficult, and in some cases impossible!

   Maybe Aaron Hernandez killed Tony Soprano?

   Son, we're Irish,,,,,, So technically every one of your ribs is a McRib

   I always start my day off with SNAP, CRACKLE, POP

   Ladies; Don't build walls around your heart... men will pee on them.

   My phone display is brighter than my future. :(