Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my wife gets all excited when Colonel Angus comes over

   Relationship status: everything sounds like "marry me" through duct tape

   Stupid Question: Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?

   Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.

   Looks like Southwest Airlines needs to install a GPS Tomtom in the planes so their pilots don't get lost.

   Come one Southwest Airlines...either train your pilots how to navigate a plane well enough to land at the right airport or allow the pilot's wife to ride along so she can make sure he doesn't land a jumbo jet at a small county airport.

   Why is that every time I visit someone, I have to take a dump, and their bathroom is right there near where everyone is sitting and I'm about to expel what will sound like a 21 gun salute at Niagara Falls.

   When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders

   Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady Manning Brady There, now you don't need to watch ESPN this week.

   Watching the Golden Globes tonight. I root for whichever actress is showing the most cleavage.

   The main reason they thought Manti Te'o suffered a concussion, when he came to the sidelines he said he saw his girlfriend.

   Florida residents should be grateful for two things: Jersey Shore and NJ Governor Christie. Between them both, they've catapulted New Jersey to the #1 spot in the "Stupidest State in The USA" competition.

   The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper..

   I don't know if anyone ever does anything as much as LL Cool J licks his lips.

   So do you think in the future we will see marijuana commercials on TV? It might bring back the slogan "This bud's for you".

   I shall only address vegan lesbians as "salad fingers"from now on.

   If I ever decide I do not want to get on facebook I'm not going to delete my account.. What I will do is see if I can get all my friends and family to delete and block me before facebook deletes my account for me

   Back in the day when I was attracted to a girl I never had enough guts to ask her out. Now with Facebook I am suppose to be confident enough to poke her? #singleforever

   All those exercise videos are worthless, I bought and watch them over and over and not lost one lb