Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every teenage girls super power is that they "literally die" every day and live to tweet about it.

   Did you ever stop to think and then forget to start again? That happens to me all the time.

   My wife thinks I have a gambling habit. She hasn't said anything, but I can bet that's what she is thinking.

   both of yall are idiots because southwest doesn't even know where they fly to

   That special moment when you enter a Starbucks and because the music is loud, you feel free to fart. Then you realize that you had your headphones on!

   have the comedians not woken up yet today or what? I can't post this crap

   Baby, Baby, Baby, NOOOOOOOO! - Bieber's first night in jail

   If you can't be with the one you love, tolerate the one you're with.

   It's a sick world where Paul Walker can die in an auto accident and Bieber walk away with a bad singing career... and breathing.

   Ladies, instead of asking, “Do these jeans make my ass look big?” you should ask, “Does this fat make my jeans look big?”

   Day 88: I am thankful for my joke site. Without it I wouldn't be nearly as amusing on Facebook.

   I wonder if 3D printers print cookies? Because if they can't then they are useless...

   I'm not giving any more money to the homeless. They're just going to spend it on cardboard and Sharpie's!

   Excuse me but my Brain Has Too Many Tabs Open right now.

   Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.

   there is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot

   keep your friends close, your shotgun closer.

   Justin Bieber was drunken driving in Florida? Where is George Zimmerman when you need him!

   When Rihanna first started singing she was like yee mista dj song pon de replay, now she's like f*ck me with a shovel and slap my ti%ties

   “cannot connect to network. try resetting your wireless router” umm ok but what if my router is in my neighbor’s house? Should I call him?