Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got a call from the post office, can they start delivering some of my cards now, they're running out of room in their sorting office

   So how did the Indians get home from work on snowy days before the white man came and built the roads?

   Winds up to 108 mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...sure is making this texting while driving a real challenge.

   All this slippery ice and snow is making this texting while driving a real challenge...

   Women check me out all the time!! I'm pretty selective on which lane I go to when leaving a store.

   Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.

   A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!

   n I die I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui I want my husband to be so mad he has to drop out of college!!!

   The main message women seemed to take away from Cinderella is it's okay to take your shoes off when you go out.

   "Hippos are actually more dangerous than crocodiles and sharks combined." - Moron who clearly hasn't pictured a Crocoshark.

   I can't wait for all the life long residents in NY to see snow for the first time.

   A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!

   If ya havin girl probs I feel bad for ya son, I got 99 problems and a nice young lady isn't one...

   All these folks (mainly women) wanting to see a 50 Shades of Gray movie or Magic Mike 2. Should we tell them they can watch MUCH better porn online for free?

   Ladies, It don't matter how tall or how short you are...but there is a weight limit

   Great another "stand your ground" case ut of Florida....... We all know if you wanna kill someone go to Florida and do it!

   Disappointed to tune into the Olympics to find that curling wasn't a Bicep competition.

   not seeing the pics from my southern friends of the 80 degree weather they usuallly post to us up North.Just pics of frozen windshields and idiots who don't own an ice scraper.

   8 corvettes fall into a giant sinkhole. Normally there is a giant hole inside a corvette, not the other way around.

   i tell the girl at el charros I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all