Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder what Rick Astley is going to give up for Lent?

   I was watching what I thought was a documentary on Hindu Gods; they featured that strange one that looks like a bizarre elephant. Turns out it was a Rosie O'Donnell interview.

   Yes it's unseaonally cold. But let's keep in mind those people in Niamey that are currently dealing with a 99 degree temperature.

   I've joined the National Exaggerators Club, 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 members and growing.

   The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won't need to adjust her driving.

   I hear there is a job opening at the Bit-coin Company.

   I replaced hating everything with Justin Beiber. . .

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

   Knock knock! Who's there? Daisy! Daisy, who? Daisy me rollin, they hatin.

   I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.

   Man, kids really do ask some tough questions. One just came up to me and said “what’s Nicolas Cage’s worst film?” I mean how do you even answer that?

   When you tell a lie, think of it as peeing in the pool. Let it out slow. Don’t let facial expressions give you away.

   Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

   I wonder what the application process is like to get on the Instagram Council?

   Considering the hours I keep. I am awake while you sleep. Incase of a national disaster leave me your numbers and I will call you to wake you up so you can evacuate. . .

   I've had an awesome life and I still haven't needed to use algebra. Who was the a-hole who made up a useless subject like this to be tested in on is school, did I mention they were an a-hole. . .

   The way you're bashing your laptop keyboard is how your life is going.

   The way you're bashing your laptop keyboard is the way your life is going.

   A weekend getaway is a nice way for couples to argue with different scenery.

   Turtles should be taught to use skate boards when crossing the road. . .