Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look, I can't take you seriously if you still have your pants on.

   What a coincidence! Your wife is my soulmate too!

   In Australia we don't have therapists, we have things called pubs.

   Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...

   I NEED JESUS! This lawn is outta control!

   Be a lady until you're in the bedroom.. Or kitchen, living room, on the floor or against the wall. You know what, just be a lady in public.

   I love you to pieces is a creepy way to tell someone you love them and would also like to dismember them

   A girl I barely know told me I should shave my beard, I told her she should lose 20lbs. I'll never have to hear her complain about not liking it again

   The problem is that we now have dangerous animals wearing human clothing living amongst us.

   I'm tired of doing math. I guess I'll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today

   They will never find that missing airliner. By now it is safely tucked away in Kim Jong-un's garage.

   as often as SCIENCE changes its mind its hard to see truth in anything it says...

   I'm at work. So if I don't answer you on fb chat, it means I'm not that busy but I've got a great excuse to not respond.

   funny how $trap on spelled backwards is no parts

   So with this Malaysian Airliner thing, I'm leaning towards the Abducted by Aliens theory.

   O.J Simpson has vowed to never stop searching for Malaysian Flight 370.

   I bet Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs has a crapload of W2s

   Listen Nyquil instructions,,, YOU are not the boss of me.

   "2 women were sitting together quietly...."

   NO Relationship Is Perfect, So You Might As Well Pick The Perfect Person To Go Through Hell With.