Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

   Boss: So, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty Boss: I don't think that's a weakness Me: I don't really care what you think.

   Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it's a small soft drink.

   You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can’t teach a cat anything, ever.

   The nice thing about picking up hitch hikers is that you can use the car pool lane before they kill you.

   I'm not always productive as I could be... My brain has too many tabs open.

   I'm just a boy, looking at a girl. Ohh look, she has nachos. I'm just a boy, looking at nachos

   Why do girls associate their selfies with a deep yet irrelevant quote? I do not understand the correlation

   I grew up in a Catholic Church and befriended the priest. It's a touching story.

   When black men pick cotton... All I can think of is the good ol' days! Praise Jesus.

   RIP DJ E-Z Rock...May your eternal journey home be filled with more Joy than Pain

   Remember the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean?

   I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones all get each other's mail.

   NOW ON EBAY - NBA TEAM for sale! previous owner with plantation mentality.

   can people who are paralysed from the waist down fart?

   ♫♫♫♫♫ The sounds of violence ♫♫♫♫♫

   “What I am is what I am… what you are is under arrest

   we can find old Atari games in a landfill but we can't find an AIRPLANE!?!?

   My Futon pulls out, but I dont

   If my boyfriend wants to break up, he has to make a 16-slide powerpoint with his sources cited on why and if I don't like it then we are still going out