Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   facebook needs to add "still bangin my ex" as a relationship status option

   If you ask me to take my shoes off when I enter your house, I will go above & beyond & strip full naked because I'm a terrific guest.

   This whole "Cup half empty, Cup half full" argument should state what is IN the cup before people start judging!!

   My shower only has two options: 3rd degree burns or skinny dipping in Antarctica.

   A drunk man speaks what a sober man thinks.

   My ex assured me that size never matter, but all of her dild@s look like they needed a lamp shade on top.

   I'm not really marriage material... since I still have hopes and dreams.

   It seems women are not content with just being women these days. First there was Beyonce with “If I was a boy” now there is this Bieber chick with “If I was your boyfriend”

   I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.

   Unless you're going to tell me there's a sniper target on me, it's okay, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say.

   I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house.

   Three weeks into 2012. Now don't some of you feel silly for actually believing things were going to get better simply because we pinned a new calendar on the wall?

   There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

   4yr old: when I grow up I want to be like daddy.... Wife: You can't do both honey

   Some of us are truly living and others are just struggling not to die.

   My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...

   My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.

   You completed your online degree with a 3.5 and no one will hire you? Shocking...

   There's no way that scientists can prove to me that pterodactyls didn't pronounce the p

   I wonder if the spouses of umpires get thrown out of the house for arguing.