Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

   I'm pretty sure that just before I get to Walmart some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping

   It's safe to assume more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   Dusting off the old VHS sex tape my wife and I made. We watch it every Valentines and cry.

   Whoever said "you can't fold a piece of paper in half 8 times" has clearly never seen me wipe my a$$ with the last sheet of toilet paper.

   Don't get me wrong, I respect the Amish. What I really wonder is what invention a long time ago caused an entire group of people to go "No! No more technology for us."

   Kim Kardashian requests her privacy during this time. Just her, an E! camera crew & 30 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.

   Instead of laughing my ass off, I'm going to start laughing my stomach off. I'd rather lose that.

   Knock, knock. Honey, have you finished taking pictures of yourself for facebook? Daddy needs to take a sh!t.

   A huge ass spider crawled across my bed and now I can't sleep because the firefighters are here putting out the mattress flames.

   This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.

   thinks directing a few airplanes at JFK would be child's play.

   -- I've just invented a wireless, battery-free, hand operated hair-dryer.....I'm calling it a 'Towel'. .....

   survived April Fools Day without being pranked, however there was a baby on my doorstep this morning, but i'm pretty sure thats unrelated.

   Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.

   What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction? Boneless chicken

   REMEMBER:If you burn down your house on Thanksgiving....the Turkey wins.

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don't panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we're not that far from you.

   Score ! I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough...... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !

   I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there's a movie I'd pay to see.