Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd much rather have a sex tape released to the public than a tape of me trying to run in flip-flops.

   waiting for the boring weekly "hating mondays" statuses...btw, I'm gathering mondays to throw at you!

   How come a “drunk” girl on my facebook is able to enter her username and password correctly but when it comes to writing a status she types “90]]]]]]]]]POSPASFD@#”

   Relationships are like glass...sometimes its better 2 leave them broken rather than hurting yourself trying 2 put them back together!

   earns a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

   BBC NEWS: Government plans to ban all Internet porn. On an unrelated note, does anyone want to buy a laptop?

   Can someone please tell mew when tv becomes "new" again? Everything claims "all new" but all I see is the same old garbage.

   I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"? Damn firemen.

   realized that a dog is truly a mans best friend. Locked the dog and the wife in the car boot for 1hour. Guess who was happy to see me and who wasn't??

   If blow jobs were this popular 25 years ago. I might not be here today

   To bad you can't photoshop your UGLY personality...

   Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.

   thinks that just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial, an actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth.

   Don't tell other people your problems. 90% of people don't care, and the other 10% are glad you have them.

   just released a new drink which contains Viagra instead of caffine called.... Mount -n-do

   Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; At least you're not the guy, at Instagram, that has to search for and delete all the d!ck pics.

   Most people spend their time trying to find someone to sleep with, instead of finding someone worth waking up to.

   Why is it that girls in tampon commercials laugh and dance ? shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burning shit down

   If today drags anymore, it's going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress

   If the person is more than 25 feet away from you, holding the door is creepy.