Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LISTEN,,, Every pizza can be a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

   I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I've ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologize.

   Legend has it the "M" in MTV once stood for music.

   I'm concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn't tell everyone on FB how much I love them.

   Stupid people aren't flammable enough.

   Romeo and Juliet is Not a Love Story... It's a 3-Day relationship between a 13 year-old and a 17 year-old that caused 6 Deaths. Sincerely, -Everyone who actually Read it.

   I have one nerve left! And you're dry humping it!....Go Away!!!

   I carry a gun because I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.

   Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....

   Found out today that midgets dont like being called midgets....AND they really dont like being called people McNuggets...

   According to my Nike Fuelband, I've just masturbated for 4 miles.

   Happy New Year everyone....and may your worries this year last no longer than a Kardashian marriage .

   Taking back your EX is like buying your shi$ back from your own garage sale..

   Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.

   Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat ...Then I remember they just feed off attention.

   BREAKING NEWS: POST OFFICE RAISES 1ST CLASS STAMPS FROM 46 CENTS TO 49 CENTS: Really???.... couldn't you just say 50 cents and save 2 slots in your cash drawer and millions of hours counting change??

   Monday I drank a Shirley Temple to mourn her, today I'm going to eat a Caesar salad to mourn Sid, tomorrow I'm having a Bieber burger & crossing my fingers....

   Personally, I don't find swearing offensive. I think it adds character & emphasis to a conversation. I do find, backstabbing, lying, cheating and screwing people over offensive, but not swearing.

   Remember, everyday is a gift from God. Except Mondays, the Devil sneaks that one in

   I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.