Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just once I'd like to read that someone died after a long battle with goblins or trolls.

   "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills.

   The girls that say that all guys want is sex, are usually the ones who have only that to offer.

   My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

   You know it's good advice, when your still confused afterwards.

   A real woman can raise a child by herself, but a real man would never LET her

   Here is the list of foreign countries helping the United States with Hurricane relief:

   I pretend to like people everyday. It’s called being an adult. That’s why we’re allowed to buy booze.

   9 out of 10 guys likes girls with big boobs. The 10th guy likes the other 9 guys

   I wonder if it's possible for someone to have a baby and NOT make it their Facebook profile picture.

   Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.

   Remembering things on my own makes me feel like I'm cheating on Google.

   Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.

   Man is it cold outside...just want to give a shout out to whoever invented the padded bra...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

   ..sometimes at work, I like to stand behind one of the employees that has no sense of humor and wait till the owner comes by, then I start laughing out loud at their computer monitor as if they were looking at something funny online rather than working..

   One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

   here to remind you to help control the golfer population. Have your tiger spayed or neutered.

   veni, vidi, velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around...

   Dear Mathematics. Please grow up and solve your own problems

   Theee pppostt oofficee ssentt yyourr Vvvibratttorr hheree bby aaaccidenttt. Hhhoww dddo yyyouu sssshuttt ttthisss fffugginnn ttthinggg offffff?!