Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder" then what would you call men's underwear? Under the butt nut hut?

   Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?

   I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live...

   KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.

   I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager

   A guy hears his wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love? chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." she yells back, "You're having soup you jerk! I was talking to the cat!"

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included

   They've brought in a new rule at work: no drinking at your desk. I'm not too worried about it - there's 78 other desks here.

   believes that Facebook is a lot like a refridgerator. when you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good in it!!!!!

   It's going to be really funny watching 2012 in 2013.

   I wish I had more middle fingers.

   I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

   Note to Self: when going on the first date, must make sure that both parties have the same understanding of what "eating out " means.

   I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap

   In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.

   If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse.

   I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.

   Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show

   To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.