Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Satan called, he wants his weather back..

   I'm a big fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, four hundred million dollars.

   I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   Kanye West would be folding sweaters at the Gap right now if Tupac and Biggie were still around.

   RECYCLING RULE 101: if no one saw what clothes you were wearing today, its totally fine to wear them again tomorrow.

   Sadly we often see the best in humanity only after times of great tragedy...

   Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!

   Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice or they like you. Take alligators for example.

   It's 2012. We're supposed to have flying cars and stuff. But no... Just pajamas that look like jeans.

   Maybe, just maybe, the guy that was in charge of designing the Mayan calendar just died when he got to December 2012 and nobody else felt like continuing it because they were like, "why the hell were we planning that far ahead anyway?".

   For the life of me, I can't understand why small and medium pizzas exist.

   I left a note on my neighbors car asking him to stop parking in front of my house. I couldn't find any paper, so I used my car key instead.

   Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

   Respect your parents. They made it through high school without google or wikipedia.

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.

   wondering if Facebook is hiring because I just put in my 40 hrs this week.

   If you're on a bike in LA it means you care about the environment - - riding one in the midwest means you got a DUI

   quit my job in the helium balloon factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   ALERT SENIORS TEXTING CODE……..ATD..At The Doctors. BFF..Best Friend Fell. BTW..Bring the Wheelchair. BYOT..Bring Your Own Teeth