Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban

   I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.

   And then God said, "Let the women have feelings. A lot of feelings. Like, all of the feelings."

   "I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons

   When a romantic song comes on the radio, I always take her hand in mine, and whisper softly in her ear, "Please change the radio station."

   When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy

   A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I'll catch the next one. She's mad at me now.

   Happy Birthday to the Greatest Invention you don't appreciate enough unless you don't have it! On this day 110yrs ago Dr. Kerry invented the Air Conditioner!!!

   All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.

   Due to a government shutdown, no one is "Engineering the electricals."

   I'm so old... I grew up in an era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games.

   If a telemarketer calls give the phone to your 3 yr old, and tell them its Santa Clause

   My girlfriend has a weird fetish, she likes to dress up like herself and act like a b!tch every night.

   When a man signals a woman to walk in front & says, “Ladies first” it really means “Go ahead. I'll stand back & watch how your ass walks.”

   The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Pimpin

   The bad news is that Tiger Woods and Jesse James admit to being sex addicts. The good news is that there's a club for that called The Rest of the World. They meet daily with other people with unique problems like "I work too hard for not enough money."

   Inefficiency: Getting a letter in the mail saying a census is coming next week, then a census form a week later, then a postcard a week later saying a census came a week earlier.

   Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   Facebook Duck Hunt: Every time you see a girl making the duckface in a photo, you comment "BANG!!!"