Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lot of good conversations are ruined by some idiot that actually knows what he's talking about.

   Today, I saw the commercial for the Snuggie. I still think it is stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold…

   Does anyone else leave Best Buy without buying anything and think the security guy at the front suspects you of stealing... so you go out of your way to act friendly toward him?

   "sex is like a restaurant - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for self-service"

   I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

   "Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

   The GOLDEN rule in my house is...IF it's funny your not in trouble.

   I seriously can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   was sitting on the bus today opposite a stunning Thai girl, thinking don't get an erection, don't get an erection - but then she did

   5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette

   The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.

   The biggest difference between my wife and a bear is that sometimes, if I play dead, the bear will leave me alone.

   Oh wow. you're really gonna fight me over the internet? What's the worst you can do, caps-lock my a@s?

   No darling 56 guys didnt like your profile pic because you are "pretty." They liked it cause your BOOBS are hanging out.

   They say being successful and living well is the best revenge... But rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too.

   I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it's not.

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me "relax...it's only gas".

   Congratulations to Jay-z and Beyonce on the birth of their baby. She won't have to work a day in her life, they should call her Lay-Z

   If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.

   Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?