Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well this whole grown up thing has been fun but I have to go now...

   I like to add tension to a conference call with a surprise toilet flush.

   One thing that all us white guys from the suburbs can agree on is if a black guy has a British accent, we're 85% less scared of him

   No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.

   Show me on the doll where gas prices touched you.

   a drunk was hauled into court.”Mister,” the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking.” “Great,” the drunk exclaimed. “When do we get started?”

   RIP to the millions of people who die every day and don't get recognized

   Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent's last sentence in a whiny voice.

   My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them."

   The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots

   Little brothers XBOX broke. Go to new one. Worthless Walmart employee was too lazy to find one. Tells me they are all out. So I stand in front of her and buy it online with in store pickup so she has to find it. BAM

   Aside from Confirm & ignore, friend requests should have a "WHO ARE YOU" button

   How come Mario can smash through bricks... yet he dies when he touches a freaking turtle!!!???

   Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year, I'm celebrating Discount Chocolate Tuesday.

   I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 15 teeth or less!

   Warning: Warnings are so retarded. Like on this deodorant 'Avoid contact with eyes.' Too late, I've already seen it.

   Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?

   I never win at Scrable

   When I'm bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: “You should really clean under your bed, it's filthy down here. PS: I love you."

   Lazy rule number 42: If it isn't on the first page of Google, it doesn't exist.