Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know...Barbie has an awful lot of nice things for a girl whose knees do not bend.

   AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married, There will be no reception.

   A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

   69% of people; find something DIRTY in every sentence

   If there is enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts...it probably isn't

   not waiting another minute for the lab results... the Valentine cookies from my ex-wife look good and I am feeling lucky.

   Wouldn't it make more sense for laptop makers like Dell and HP to make the cooling fan on the top of the keyboard area instead of having it reach searing temperatures on my lap due to lack of air flow? My name is Randee and common sense was my idea

   I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's ok.

   I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.

   I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack:)

   please ignore this status, I am standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am textin

   I have a question for all government officials and anyone who supports SOPA/PIPA. Do you really want to piss off ALL those hackers all at once?

   If you can't spell " Attorney ", your parents should call your school and demand a refund .

   Found a cigarette butt next to the mousetrap in my room. Like he sat there and thought about it.

   You know your tired when your alarm doesn't wake you up straight away, instead it just blends into your dream

   Going to Mark Zuckerberg's house to move around all his furniture and see how he likes it!

   I see debt people.

   If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.

   Tuesday on 'Ancient Hoarders' - A concerned Jerusalem couple fights to save their son Noah from his spiraling animal collection.