Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   69% of people; find something DIRTY in every sentence

   not waiting another minute for the lab results... the Valentine cookies from my ex-wife look good and I am feeling lucky.

   If there is enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts...it probably isn't

   I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's ok.

   Wouldn't it make more sense for laptop makers like Dell and HP to make the cooling fan on the top of the keyboard area instead of having it reach searing temperatures on my lap due to lack of air flow? My name is Randee and common sense was my idea

   I wish mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood.

   A man goes into a library and ask for a book on suicide....The librarian replies "F*ck off! you wont bring it back!"

   Wishes some people were like Etch-A-Sketch's.. when you shake the sh*t out of them they disappear.

   All I want for Christmas, is to keep the things I've got.

   I think my girlfriend's hallucinating. She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.

   gonna laugh 2 years from now when all of those people who thought the world was gonna end on Dec. 22, 2012 realize that they are still gonna have to go out and buy Christmas presents.....

   Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

   Dear Mr. Pinto Bean, I'm very sorry I ate you and a couple of hundred of your friends, but there is no need for you to panic and plot your escape.....

   So I'm giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)

   She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.

   Nothing's more satisfying than when "the one that got away" turns into "whew, dodged that bullet."

   You know your tired when your alarm doesn't wake you up straight away, instead it just blends into your dream

   Going to Mark Zuckerberg's house to move around all his furniture and see how he likes it!

   I see debt people.

   Tuesday on 'Ancient Hoarders' - A concerned Jerusalem couple fights to save their son Noah from his spiraling animal collection.