Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Year 2050 Son: "Dad,how did you meet mom?" Dad: "Aaah my son..... it all started with a friend request on facebook."

   going to win the lotterey tonight...no sorry, got that wrong! Going to have sex with my wife. I get them confused as the odds are pretty much the same

   Blanket on, too hot. Blanket off,too cold. One leg out, perfect,until the awkward moment when the demon from Paranormal Activity grabs it..

   I love it when people call me at 3 AM. "Hey, are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."

   Dear kanye west, Roses are red. Violets are blue. If Justin Bieber wins another award you know what to do.+++

   I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D.

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's joke?

   too bad the minn didnt win...i wanted to see favre get a ring this year....but ok well...you brett...go ahead and retire now for and come back b4 the start of next year...

   Baby, I didn't mean it like that... Everybody knows Ho is short for Honey

   My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.

   Congrats to Lebron James for getting engaged, his fiance now leads the family with 1 ring.

   The Korean version of "Marley and Me" was probably a lot shorter...

   If I could live my life over again, I'd do everything the same. Except for that time I sh*t my pants in 3rd grade.

   WWII Vet goes up to a Occupy Movement protester and says "When I was your age I was occupying France fighting Nazis"

   If I ever become rich and famous, I won't forget my friends. They will be a fond and nostalgic memory.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."

   My ideal job would be getting paid by a sassy black woman to back up all her statements with "mmmhmm!" And "Hooooo Damn! Girl!"

   Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.

   Ben Franklin started 1st Colonial Printing Press using Hemp paper. Not saying he smoked it. Lots of sober guys fly kites in Thunderstorms.

   Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't meant it either.