Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sexual position 69 is now 96, due to the poor economy the price of eating out has gone up

   wants to write "Navidad" under the "For Lease" sign up the street.

   People say I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   Oh didnt I tell you? Must have been none of your f*cking business."

   MTV has named Miley Cyrus the best artist of 2013. Kinda fitting I guess, since MTV has no idea what music is anymore...

   When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer...

   I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!

   Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…

   What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

   So they pay $1 million for commercials of starving kids but they can't feed them?

   They took cigarette ads of TV because it was bad for our nation's health. Sooo....why can't they do the same for political ads?

   why don't we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?

   Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with... How the f**k did two sticks win?

   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?"

   When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!"

   heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   Seems like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.

   All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.

   The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She would be in congress

   I hate when I'm spying on someone while they're showering and they let out a huge fart. What a sicko.