Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ❒ I am under the influence. ❒ I am above the influence. ✔ I AM THE INFLUENCE.”

   After a night of heavy drinkin' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.

   You're 14 and quitting smoking? How Inspiring.

   After reading your recent updates, I'm surprised that Facebook hasn't yet asked you, "Whatever's on your mind, could you keep it to yourself?"

   Oh is it really raining outside? Please post a status update for all of us with no windows.

   Either I've reached the age when my eyebrows have developed a mind of their own, or I'm slowly turning into a werewolf.

   Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with Facebook.

   On my way to the kid's school... apparently, a nicotine patch is not an appropriate substitute for a band-aid.

   I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.

   "You actually have friends?" ... "Yeah, all 10 seasons on DVD!"

   Facebook needs a “Drama of the day” section in my news feed. 

   Sometimes I read status updates on Facebook and wonder “How am I friends with them?”

   I wish I loved something as much as I hate almost everything.

   "And the rest is history." -Lazy history teacher

   wow... I think easter is a few weeks away... calm down walmart...

   Sometimes love is like having one too many drinks....you feel so good that you don't notice you're making a fool of yourself.

   If the minimum wage is good enough for all Americans, then that's how much Congress should make as well.

   Best friends have Conversations impossible to understand by other people…

   No one's lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.

   Money :::: humans are the only species that have to pay to live on earth..