Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought when people lie to me their pants were supposed to catch on fire. Turns out that's a lie also. Trust no one.

   I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it's health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!

   I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection.

   If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack.

   Thank you: 'hard taco shells', for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking at the moment I put something inside you.

   Nipples: Nature's thermometer.

   Dear Face Book you keep offering up people for me to friend, but then you get all  concerned and ask me how I know them.  You can't be the pimp and the cop!

   Google+ is quickly becoming the "gym membership" of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

   Just heard a weird noise from the other room, but refuse to call out “Is anyone there?” I've seen the movies...those people always die!

   Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in

   The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   Why do actors think we care who the they are going to vote for. Make movies and shut up!

   My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician

   Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the Internet.

   Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing him.

   Free Tip: If a prostitute has nice teeth and carries a purse, she's a cop.

   Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone "Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who's phone you've just called." Problem solved!

   FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"

   And on the day that Pooh found out bacon tasted better than honey, we all knew Piglet's days were numbered.

   Now that a billonaire in Mexico is going to buy out Hostess the twinkie will come in 3 flavors. Hot, Medium and mild.