Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it's health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!

   I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.

   I thought when people lie to me their pants were supposed to catch on fire. Turns out that's a lie also. Trust no one.

   I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings

   I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge. :(

   How come when people fill out applications, under "Emergency Contact," nobody ever puts "911"?

   Here is a quick math lesson for NBA players...50% of $1 billion is a lot more than 52% of nothing!

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.

   It's so hot outside! I've been out here 10 minutes and I'm already wetter then Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards.

   ""When people cut you down. Or talk behind your back. remember they took time out of their pathetic lives, To think about you.""

   My wax museum is going to start small by focusing on famous people who look like candles.

   There's now a Taco Bell taco with a shell made out of Doritos?,, Hmmm, It seems that our junk foods have started hunting each other.

   Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.

   I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.

   Oh, you love your boyfriend? Please, go ahead and saturate my Facebook news feed with your feelings.

   My boss questioned my enthusiasm today. I can't believe he woke me up just to tell me that.

   I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal."

   NOTE TO SELF: Please stop writing yourself notes. Love, Self

   People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.