Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking News!!! It is okay to "NOT" get in a debate on a Facebook status if you really have no idea what you are talking about. You can just move on to a cat picture or something you understand and comment on that..

   Every minute Justin Bieber is held in jail is a victory for good music.

   My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process.

   John Lennon was killed by a fan. Where are those Kanye West fans when you need them?

   I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career.

   Some guy in the NBA came out as gay. Let’s all talk about this irrelevant sh*t for a week now.

   Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.

   The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.

   Irony: Putting Jodi Arias on suicide watch while she's facing the death penalty?

   The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope never will be repeated. The other is about a president.

   If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.

   A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag!

   If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.

   Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you're an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.

   If you’re going to hire a moving company, make them all play Tetris first and choose the one who gets the highest score.

   12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”

   If I ever get mugged, I hope the thief is kind enough to let me Instagram how scared I look.

   After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.